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Environment Apr 23, 2026

The Imminent Collapse of the Atlantic Current and the Billionaire Influence Downplaying It

A reassessment of the Atlantic Meridional Overturning Circulation (Amoc) suggests a >50% chance of …
The Silent Crisis: Why the Imminent Collapse of the Atlantic Current is Being IgnoredThe global climate system is approaching a civilisation-ending tipping point, yet the public remains largely unaware. The Atlantic Meridional Overturning Circulation (Amoc), the oceanic engine that regulates global weather patterns, is facing a reassessment that suggests it is more likely than not to collapse within the next few decades. This event would not merely be a weather anomaly; it would fundamentally alter the habitability of the Northern Hemisphere.The Scientific Reassessment of Amoc StabilityFor decades, the collapse of the Amoc was categorized as a 'high impact, low probability' event. However, recent research has fundamentally shifted this paradigm. Scientists have observed that changes in the temperature and salinity of seawater, driven by climate breakdown, are pushing the system toward a critical threshold.Historical Context: The first paper proposing the system had an 'on' and 'off' state was published in 1961.Current Status: Following the latest reassessment, Prof. Stefan Rahmstorf, a leading authority on the subject, estimates the chances of a shutdown are now 'more than 50%.'Timeline: The tipping point could be reached as early as the middle of this century.Quantifying the Catastrophe: Temperature and Probability DataThe consequences of an Amoc shutdown are not merely theoretical; they are quantifiable and terrifying. Even when accounting for general global heating, the net impact in northern Europe would be a sudden, drastic cooling.European Temperatures: London could see temperatures drop to -19C, Edinburgh to -30C, and Oslo to -48C.Geographic Extent: Sea ice could extend as far south as Lincolnshire in February.Global Impact: Antarctic temperatures could rise by roughly 6C (43F), releasing vast pulses of carbon stored in the Southern Ocean.Global Cascading Effects: From the Amazon to the Southern OceanThe collapse of Amoc would trigger a chain reaction of environmental disasters that would likely be irreversible on a human timescale.Amazon Rainforest: The system delivers heat to the North Atlantic; without it, the Amazon’s water cycles could collapse, tipping the rainforest into a state of cascading failure.US East Coast: There would be an acceleration of sea level rise, threatening major coastal cities.Agriculture: Rain-fed arable agriculture would become impossible almost everywhere in the UK, leading to global food system collapse.Climate Niche: The conditions that sustain human life (the human climate niche) could be rendered uninhabitable across large parts of the globe.The Economic Model of Denial: Billionaires, Flawed Science, and the 'Hothouse Earth' ThreatThe primary reason this catastrophe is not a top priority for governments is the deliberate distortion of climate risk by economic models championed by the ultra-rich. The article argues that oligarchic power has shaped a narrative that bears little relation to scientific reality.Key figures like William Nordhaus, whose 'socially optimal' model suggests a 3.5C-4C rise is acceptable, have been awarded the Nobel Prize for Economics. This model assumes linear impacts and discounts the lives of future generations. Billionaires such as Bill Gates have funded think tanks (like the Copenhagen Consensus Center) run by Bjorn Lomborg, which promote these low-probability models to argue for minimal climate action.This creates a 'billionaire death cult' where a few thousand individuals prioritize short-term wealth accumulation over the survival of billions, effectively steering the world toward a 'hothouse Earth' scenario where very few survive.
#George Monbiot #Atlantic Meridional Overturning Circulation #Climate Collapse
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Environment Apr 23, 2026

The UK's 'Forever Chemicals' Crisis: MPs Demand Immediate Consumer Restrictions

The UK House of Commons Environmental Audit Committee has issued a stark warning regarding Pfas ('f…
The 'Forever Chemicals' Crisis in Bentham and BeyondOn 15 January, the UK Parliament took a decisive step by visiting Bentham, North Yorkshire, a town suffering from the highest levels of Pfas contamination in the country. This visit was not merely a fact-finding mission; it was a stark indictment of a chemical legacy that has permeated the environment and human bodies.Parliamentary Inquiry Exposes Industrial Legacy and Consumer RisksThe committee's investigation revealed that Bentham's contamination stems from decades of industrial production, specifically firefighting foam. However, the MPs identified a broader, systemic issue: Pfas are now ubiquitous. The inquiry focused on the immediate need to restrict these substances in everyday items, specifically targeting school uniforms, cookware, and food packaging.Source of Contamination: Industrial firefighting foam in Bentham.Targeted Products: Consumer goods like cookware and uniforms.Timeline: Bans proposed to begin next year.Quantifying the Health and Economic BurdenThe data presented to the committee paints a concerning picture of bioaccumulation. Pfas, colloquially known as 'forever chemicals,' do not degrade and accumulate in living organisms. Evidence links these substances to cancers, immune suppression, infertility, and developmental problems. The MPs noted that the chemicals are now present in the blood of most populations globally, making the delay in action a critical public health concern.Critique of Government Strategy and the 'Whack-a-Mole' DilemmaThe report heavily criticized the government's current plan as 'short on decisive actions.' The MPs argue that a piecemeal approach—banning one chemical at a time—allows companies to replace banned substances with new, potentially more harmful variants. Instead, they advocate for group-based restrictions on whole classes of Pfas to prevent this 'whack-a-mole' cycle.Future Outlook: From Consumer Bans to Industrial AccountabilityLooking ahead, the UK faces a critical choice: align with the EU's universal Pfas restriction or risk falling behind. While consumer bans are the immediate focus, experts like those at ChemSec argue that the proposals are too limited, ignoring the industrial uses and pesticides that contribute the vast bulk of pollution. The next phase of this battle will likely focus on shifting accountability from consumer products to heavy industry.
#House of Commons #Environmental Audit Committee #Pfas
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Business Apr 23, 2026

The Ellison Effect: How the Warner Bros-Paramount Merger Signals a New Era of Media Consolidation

In a pivotal vote set for Thursday, Warner Bros Discovery shareholders are considering a merger wit…
The Merger Mechanics and Key AssetsWarner Bros Discovery shareholders are set to vote on a merger that could dramatically reshape the United States media landscape — combining the company with Paramount Skydance. The deal, which still requires federal approval, would place two of the nation’s largest news organisations – CBS News and CNN – under one corporate roof. This consolidation creates a media giant with vast assets in film, television, and live sports, positioning the new entity to dominate the streaming wars and broadcast television.Consolidation Metrics and Workforce ImpactThe scale of this potential merger is underscored by the operational changes already underway at Paramount. CBS has announced the cessation of operations for CBS News Radio, representing a 6% reduction in its workforce. Furthermore, the broader trend of consolidation is evident in the local news sector, where the merger between Nexstar and Tegna would reach 80% of TV households across key US markets, drastically limiting consumer choice in local reporting.Key Assets: Warner Bros Discovery library + Paramount Skydance assets.Workforce Reduction: CBS News Radio ceasing operations.Market Reach: Local consolidation could impact 80% of TV households.Editorial Independence Under Political PressureThe merger raises profound concerns regarding editorial independence. Paramount Skydance is led by David Ellison, the son of Oracle co-founder Larry Ellison and a key ally of President Donald Trump. Critics point to recent moves by the network to appease the administration, including the appointment of conservative writer Bari Weiss to lead the broadcast network and the installation of Ken Weinstein as an ombudsman. These changes have led to the departure of veteran reporters, such as Sharyn Alfonsi, who criticized the delay of a story on the CECOT prison as a "political" choice.The Future of News: A Polarized LandscapeLooking ahead, the merger is likely to face significant regulatory hurdles. Democratic Senator Cory Booker has called for an investigation into foreign investment in the deal, which includes sovereign wealth funds from Saudi Arabia, Qatar, and the UAE, as well as Chinese investment. Additionally, the UK’s Competition and Markets Authority is preparing an investigation. Internally, CNN staff are reportedly shaken by the prospect of the Ellisons running the network, fearing a shift away from its traditional middle-of-the-road stance toward a more partisan alignment with the right, mirroring the trajectory of local operators like Sinclair and Nexstar.
#Warner Bros Discovery #Paramount Skydance #David Ellison
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Politics Apr 22, 2026

Trump's Economic Backfire: When Short-Term Priorities Become Political Liabilities

Trump's political strategy of prioritizing immediate personal interests over broader moral consider…
The Lead: Trump's Economic CalculusThe airport in Las Vegas last Friday afternoon was what you might expect for a WrestleMania weekend. Packed terminal. Delays stacking up. Nobody going anywhere. Then we heard why. Air Force One was on the ground. Everything stopped. No one was taking off until the president finished doing his business.People were doing what people do. Checking their phones. Standing up like something might have changed. Sitting back down when it hadn't. When Air Force One finally started moving, a few people across Terminal B jumped to their feet. Plenty of us, myself included, didn't. I sat staring the opposite way, where I could clearly read the president's name atop his Vegas hotel. Power moves. The rest of us wait.The Political Strategy: Narrowing EmpathySitting in that terminal, it didn't feel like a theory. Trump and the movement around him understand this very human limitation well enough to exploit it. For more than a decade now, they have run a politics of deliberate narrowing. They tell us to distrust the press that extends our vision, distrust the institutions that ask us to consider strangers, and distrust empathy itself as weakness. The same people who wrap themselves in scripture and spectacle tell us it is naïve to care about those you will never meet.Now Trump needs that same public to hold a war in its moral imagination. Traveling home to Cleveland for my uncle's funeral, I had been thinking about a quick Sunday drive to Pittsburgh to visit family and my mother's grave. I decided against it. Didn't even rent the car. Gas prices were a main reason why. That isn't a rhetorical device. That's just what's true.The Economic Impact: Gas Prices as Political BarometerGas is averaging a little more than $4 per gallon nationally, more than a dollar higher than before the war began. In the Bay Area, I'm paying nearly $7 per gallon. This time last year, the national average was a little more than $3, and we thought that was high. Trump's reckless war shows up for most Americans as a number at a gas pump, not as images or moral reckoning. The war arrives in our wallets. As a calculation about whether a trip is worth making, or whether a car is worth using at all. As pressure, immediate and cumulative, it worms its way into the margins of a life.That ledger extends well beyond our shores. The same oil shock Americans feel at the pump is devastating economies that have far less cushion to absorb it. The bombing of a girls' school in Iran, believed to be caused by the US, was a war crime. As we see from our own school shootings, though, kids dying doesn't hold the attention of the American news consumer quite like gas prices. That is an indictment of us all, but our line of sight is partly to blame. Even worse, the aperture did not narrow on its own.The Political Consequences: The Instrument That Built TrumpAmericans don't need a moral case against this war. They have a gas receipt. Trump is being undone by the instrument he built. The movement that spent years training people not to extend their concern beyond the visible is now being judged exactly the way it taught people to judge everything else – by what it costs me, now, this week, at this pump.The numbers reflect that. Foreign policy barely registers as the public's top concern. Gas prices do. So do grocery bills, housing costs and healthcare. The White House understands this, which is why it no longer explains the war in terms of what it destroys. It explains the war in terms of when gas prices come down. The administration has not even been able to keep its own story straight about when that pain ends. The treasury secretary, Scott Bessent, predicted $3 gas by summer. On Sunday, energy secretary Chris Wright said we might not hit that rate until 2027. Trump then said that was "totally wrong", but who is to say?The Future Outlook: Beyond Economic ReliefSo let me say this plainly: if gas prices come down and Trump's ratings rebound, that will not mean this was worth it. It will mean the trick worked. Trump breaks something that was functioning, extracts an enormous cost in money and blood and moral credibility, halfway fixes it through belated and chaotic diplomacy, and claims victory. The country, exhausted and relieved, exhales. Moves on. I imagine that is what the administration is counting on.Back in Las Vegas, Air Force One eventually lifted off. The runway cleared. Flights resumed. Within the hour, most of that terminal had boarded, found their seats, and was somewhere over the desert, drinks in hand, the delay mostly forgotten. That's the mechanism. The pain recedes, and we let it take the memory with it. Power moved. The rest of us waited, paid, adjusted, and got on with it. Don't. Not this time.Remember the math you did at the pump, or the trip you reconsidered. This didn't have to happen. None of us ever had to pay this cost at all, even though the people responsible are already telling us that it was worth it. The price of gas may yet come down. That isn't accountability, though. It isn't a reckoning. We may have the privilege of worrying about such things, but we don't have the luxury of forgetting.
#Donald Trump #Iran War #Gas Prices
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Politics Apr 22, 2026

The Economic Fallout of the US-Iran Conflict: Beyond the Human Cost

The ongoing US-Israel war on Iran has resulted in over 3,300 casualties and is triggering a severe …
The Escalation and Political Stalemate More than 3,300 Iranians, including 383 children, have been killed since the US and Israel launched their military campaign. As Donald Trump extends the truce deadline, the focus shifts from immediate military strikes to the mounting economic devastation. The sides remain locked in a stalemate where each believes it can force the other into concessions, yet both share a desperate need for peace. The Mounting Financial Toll The economic impact of the conflict is becoming increasingly apparent, with costs mounting rapidly across various sectors: Pentagon Costs: Military expenses topped $11.3bn in the first six days alone, with estimates suggesting the total cost could reach $1tn when including interest payments and long-term veteran expenses. US Households: The average American household faces an economic burden equivalent to $410 due to ricocheting oil prices and supply chain disruptions. UK Households: British families are projected to be £480 a year poorer as a result of the war. Arab States: The UN development programme warned that Arab countries face an economic contraction of between $120bn and $194bn after just one month of conflict. Global Inequality and Humanitarian Crisis The IMF has warned that a further escalation could trigger a global recession, with the crisis posing a persistent threat to the global economy even if hostilities cease. The pain is far from evenly shared; the combination of higher energy, food, and fertiliser costs is increasingly hammering poorer, import-reliant nations. The World Food Programme has projected that 45 million more people, primarily in Asia and Africa, could fall into acute food insecurity. The Long-Term Economic Devastation The humanitarian cost of the war is equally staggering. The UN humanitarian chief estimates that the money squandered on taking lives could have saved 87 million lives. As aid budgets are slashed, the rising need for assistance contrasts sharply with the resources being diverted to warfare. The longer the conflict continues, the greater the devastation will be, as the "economic poisons" of the war will continue to spread long after the bombs stop falling.
#Iran #US #Israel
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Sports Apr 22, 2026

The Fall of the Foxes: A Decade of Decline and the Parable of Leicester City

Leicester City has suffered the unthinkable, being relegated to League One just a decade after thei…
The Fall of the Foxes: A Decade of DeclineLeicester City’s descent into the third tier of English football marks the end of a painful decade for the club. Just ten years after pulling off the greatest fairy tale in sporting history by winning the 5,000-1 Premier League title, the Foxes find themselves in League One. The immediate trigger was a 6-point deduction for breaching financial rules, but the root cause lies in a series of strategic missteps and financial mismanagement that have eroded the club's foundation.Outside the King Power Stadium, fans are not only angry but confused. Protests have erupted, with board members of the Foxes Trust challenging owner Aiyawatt Srivaddhanaprabha, known as “Top.” The owner’s admission of failure—“I cannot blame anyone... I tried everything”—underscores the depth of the crisis. This is not merely a sporting failure; it is a structural collapse of the club's identity and stability.The Financial Crash Behind the DropThe data reveals a stark pattern of financial imprudence that directly led to the relegation. The club’s strategy shifted dramatically after their 2021 FA Cup victory. Instead of the prudent sales of stars like N'Golo Kanté, Danny Drinkwater, and Riyad Mahrez that had funded their success, Leicester went “all in.”Spending Surge: In the 2021-22 season, Leicester recouped less than £4m from sales while spending £55m on Patson Daka, Boubakary Soumaré, and Jannik Vestergaard.Losses: Pre-tax losses tripled from £31.2m to £92.5m in a single season, a club record.Accumulated Debt: By 2022-23, losses had ballooned to £90m, leading to Premier League charges and the subsequent EFL deduction that effectively sealed their fate.A Structural Crisis in English FootballLeicester’s plight is a microcosm of the broader fragility within English football. The club’s attempt to punch above their weight by retaining key assets and signing expensive players without a sustainable revenue model has backfired spectacularly. The loss of sporting director Jon Rudkin, a figure integral to the club's rise, further highlights the internal disarray.This crisis reflects a dangerous trend where clubs prioritize short-term ambition over long-term financial health. The departure of key figures like Wesley Fofana for £70m in a desperate attempt to rebuild defense came too late. The combination of a tragic ownership loss in 2018 and a subsequent lack of strategic continuity has left the club in a precarious position.The Road to RecoveryWhile the relegation to League One is a devastating blow, it is unlikely to be the end of the Foxes. With a massive, loyal fanbase and a modern stadium, Leicester possesses the infrastructure to return to the top flight. However, the road back will be arduous.The club faces a dual challenge: repairing its financial health to comply with strict Profitability and Sustainability Rules and stabilizing a dressing room that has been fractured by poor management and relegation. The next chapter will likely involve a period of consolidation, where the club must learn to live within its means once again, prioritizing survival over glory.
#Leicester City #Premier League #English Football League
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Science Apr 22, 2026

Africa's Fungal Frontier: Scientists Race to Catalog Continent's Hidden Kingdoms

As Madagascar's first mycologist leads efforts to catalog the island's vast fungal diversity, Afric…
The LeadMadagascar has long been celebrated for its remarkable wildlife, with the vast majority of its species found nowhere else on the planet. But when discussing the island nation's endemic treasures, fungi are often left out of the conversation, despite their critical importance to life on Earth.The Fungal Frontier"Fungi are some of the most important things in the world," says Anna Ralaiveloarisoa, a Malagasy scientist and the first homegrown mycologist in Madagascar. "They feed 90% of terrestrial plants. Without them, there is no life on the Earth." Ralaiveloarisoa is working to classify each of the 200 new species she has identified so far, though she faces significant challenges: trying to preserve mushrooms without proper infrastructure; journeying to remote spots in the jungle without reliable roads or electricity; and having no other experts to collaborate with in the country.Less than 1% of the estimated 100,000 species of fungi in Madagascar have been scientifically described, highlighting the vast unknown territory that remains to be explored.The Conservation MovementAcross the globe, protecting fungi has lagged significantly behind the conservation of plants and animals. While the first organisations dedicated to protecting birds were established in the 19th century, fungi had to wait until the 21st century. The International Society for Fungal Conservation (ISFC) was established in 2010, and the first conservation nonprofit organisation, the Fungi Foundation, was created in 2012.Since those groups were established, a global movement has emerged. The first conservation legislation to include fungi was passed in Chile in 2013. The Fungi Foundation began to champion the phrase "fauna, flora, funga" to encourage fungi's inclusion in more conservation frameworks.The African ConnectionThough the obstacles are significant, they are ones Ralaiveloarisoa shares with many mycologists in nearby nations. She is part of an emerging cohort of scientists across Africa who are pioneering the study and conservation of fungi in their home countries.Last November, many met for the first time at the International Congress on Fungal Conservation, held in Cotonou, Benin. The conference drew mycologists from 27 countries across Africa, Europe, the Americas and Asia, with several hailing from African countries where they serve as the only – or one of very few – mycologists in the nation."What an exciting time: from almost nothing 20 years ago, fungal conservation has evolved from a little-known field into a dynamic global movement," said Nourou Yorou, a mycologist who was recently named general director of the Benin Agency for Science and Innovation. "The challenge is now to plan a future where fungi are firmly placed in the conservation mainstream."The Future OutlookThe momentum behind fungal conservation continues to grow. Other organisations have formed: in 2017, North America's first fungal conservation nonprofit group, Fundis, was created; in 2021, the research organisation SPUN (Society for the Protection of Underground Networks) was cofounded by the evolutionary biologist Toby Kiers.Later this year, the "fungal conservation pledge" first proposed at the UN biodiversity meeting of Cop16 in Colombia in 2024 will be discussed again at the forthcoming biodiversity conference in Armenia. As David Minter, president of the ISFC, notes: "In 2010, it was normal not to mention fungi at all in conservation ... In the future it will look strange if fungi don't get a mention."
#Anna Ralaiveloarisoa #Madagascar #Fungal Conservation
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Environment Apr 22, 2026

Bolivia's Cacao Farmers Defeat Gold Mining Through Local Ordinances

Bolivian cacao farmers successfully fought against gold mining in their region, implementing local …
The Lead: A Victory for Sustainable Agriculture In Bolivia's biodiverse north-west, cacao farmers have achieved a significant victory against the encroaching gold-mining industry. Through collective action and local legislation, farmers in Palos Blancos and Alto Beni have successfully banned mining activities, protecting their organic cacao farms and preserving the region's unique ecosystem. The Agroforestry Model: A Natural Defense Mahogany trees tower above Herminio Mamani as he tends his cacao farm in Bolivia's north-west. As former president of El Ceibo, the country's largest organic cacao co-operative with 1,300 members, Mamani emphasizes that their agroforestry model is vital not only for maintaining cacao quality but also for keeping gold mining at bay. "We cacao producers would never kill an animal here," he explains. "The parcels [of land] can never be monocultures – all the crops grow together." This diverse ecosystem creates a natural barrier against mining operations that require clear-cutting and land disturbance. The Economic Battle: Gold Prices vs. Organic Certification As gold prices surged by more than 64% in 2025, from about $2,000 an ounce in 2020 to record highs above $5,100 an ounce in January, the economic incentive for mining intensified. However, El Ceibo and other co-operatives recognized that mining would threaten their international organic certifications. "Even if small-scale mining were permitted, it's a slippery slope," Mamani warns. "Contamination would be unavoidable, and if we lost our certifications, the price of our cacao would plummet." In 2025, El Ceibo exported 2,000 tonnes of cacao, mostly to Europe and the US, demonstrating the economic viability of their organic approach. The Grassroots Movement: From Protest to Legislation The initiative began in 2017 when a mining dredge appeared on the nearby Boopi River. Communities reacted swiftly with mass protests. "People gathered in mass protest and issued a warning: 'Leave, or we burn your machinery,'" recalls Nancy Chambi, a farmer and Alto Beni councillor. After four years of grassroots pressure, Palos Blancos and Alto Beni passed mining bans in 2021. A 2024 departmental law further legitimized their stance against the national government's support for mining. The Environmental Impact: Preserving Biodiversity About 20 miles from Mamani's protected farm, dredging boats and excavators operate relentlessly along the Kaka River, part of a gold rush that has rerouted waterways and encroached on forests in some of the world's most biodiverse national parks. "I've known Mayaya since I was young, and the river used to be deep and full of fish," says Roberto Gutierrez, a farmer in Alto Beni. "Now the water levels have dropped, pollution has seeped in, and the fish are disappearing." The local mining bans have prevented this environmental devastation in Palos Blancos and Alto Beni. The Future Outlook: A Model for Sustainable Development "We showed people that mining does more harm than good," says Ulises Ariñez, former environment secretary for Palos Blancos. "People have realised that gold is temporary, but agriculture and conservation are for life." As other Bolivian cities face similar mining pressures, these towns are emerging as models for protecting land through local governance. The success of this movement demonstrates how sustainable agriculture can provide both economic resilience and environmental protection in the face of extractive industries.
#Bolivia #cacao farmers #gold mining
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Lifestyle Apr 22, 2026

Siri Hustvedt on Losing Paul Auster: A Grieving Widow's Reflection

Siri Hustvedt reflects on the death of her husband, renowned author Paul Auster, who passed away fr…
A Widow's Journey Through Grief I am alive. My husband, Paul Auster, is dead. He died on 30 April 2024, at 6.58pm here in the Brooklyn house where I am now writing these words. He was diagnosed with non-small cell lung cancer in January 2023. But before that, in early November 2022, Paul had a CT scan in the emergency room at Mount Sinai West hospital. The radiologist spotted a mass in his right lung and noted it might be cancer. We all die, but only some of us know our lives could end soon. Although I had often thought about what it would mean to live without Paul, I began to imagine it more often. I imagined walking around the house alone. I imagined grieving. If your father dies, I said to our daughter, Sophie, I will lose my every day. The Final Days with Paul Auster What I didn't imagine is that after Paul's death, time would be deranged beyond recognition. I remember and then forget what day it is. I remember it's the month of May and then forget. The hours skip ahead but minutes often move slowly. I want to root my body in calendar and clock, those reliable, if ultimately fictional, markers of time, but I'm not making sense of their regular beats. I'm afraid if I don't keep checking date, day and hour, I will lose my orientation, stumble on the stairs, and fall or float away ungrounded. In the days that immediately followed Paul's small graveside funeral, on 3 May at Green-Wood Cemetery, a compulsion to sort, throw and scrub came over me. When I'm distressed or anxious, I often clean. I get my own little world into shiny order. I exercise some control by getting rid of dust and fluff and blur. I was not going to be one of those widows who leaves her husband's clothes in the closet for months or even years. A dead man doesn't need shirts, keys, shaving cream. A dead man can't be sick. He doesn't take pills. The Physical Toll of Loss I have trouble breathing. My heart beats too fast, not all the time, in bursts. I have pains between my ribs, sometimes intense. My neck and head ache. My nerves buzz and hum, and electricity shoots up and down my limbs. I sleep by pill. I pick up a paper or an object that needs attention and then see another that calls to me. I put down the first thing only to spot it hours later, an inanimate victim of the unfinished gesture. A pile of unopened condolence letters and cards lie on the red table in the dining room. I cannot bear to open them. Not today. I will wait. Tomorrow. The Empty Spaces of a Shared Life The four-storey house in Brooklyn where Paul and I lived for 30 years and where our daughter, Sophie, grew up, and where Daniel, my stepson, lived when he wasn't at his mother's, became vast overnight. The two of us occupied this space for a long time without children, and the house felt roomy but not huge. I'm amazed by the determination with which I attacked Paul's study. He spent most of his days from morning into the afternoon writing in a small room at the back of our house near the garden. My guess is that there were at least 150 pens on the surface of Paul's desk. He had a supply of typewriter ribbons for his manual Olympia to last him several additional long lifetimes. He had a number of well-used erasers and 35 Clairefontaine notebooks, the kind with graph paper inside them. Paul's courage as he looked into the abyss astounded me. The man couldn't stand up from his bed alone. Finding Meaning in the Aftermath I have been sleeping on my side of the bed. So far, I haven't found myself taking up more room than I used to. When I wake, I do not expect him to be beside me. I do not expect him to walk into the room. I know I cannot conjure him, as much as I would like to. I dreaded his imminent death for far too long. I occupy the same space in the bed where we coupled and slept, year after year. We slept together in that bed for the last time on 28 April, two nights before he died. Spencer wheeled Paul into the room and helped me lift him on to the bed. He, Sophie and Miles had come to stay with us. After I crawled in with Paul, he stroked my hand and arm for what seemed like a long time. We talked. He wanted me to live on, live long, to write more. I woke up several times that night and reached out for him to make sure he was breathing. Paul loved the library on the third floor of the house. "I want to die in the library. I imagine putting a hospital bed in here," he said to me long before the hospital bed arrived and well before we knew the cancer had returned. He knew he wanted to die in that room filled with light. Light became more and more important to him as he neared death.
#Siri Hustvedt #Paul Auster #grief
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